Yesterday news surfaced that the rights to the Terminator franchise were up for auction. The reason for the sale relates to financial difficulties being suffered by Derek Anderson’s and Victor Kubicek’s Halcyon, the current rights owners.

Now Joss Whedon, the brains behind the brilliant Firefly and the turd Dollhouse, has posted online an open letter to the rights owners offering a faux bid of $10,000, although how faux it would be if they would actually sell it to him for that insulting sum is obviously open to question.

The full transcript of the letter is after the jump.

From whedonesque.com:

An Open Letter to the Terminator Owners. From a Very Important Hollywood Mogul

Dear Sirs/Ma'ams,

I am Joss Whedon, the mastermind behind Titan A.E., Parenthood (not the movie) (or the new series) (or the one where 'hood' was capitalized 'cause it was a pun), and myriad other legendary tales. I have heard through the 'grapevine' that the Terminator franchise is for sale, and I am prepared to make a pre-emptive bid RIGHT NOW to wrap this dealio up. This is not a joke, this is not a scam, this is not available on TV. I will write a check TODAY for $10,000, and viola! Terminator off your hands.

No, you didn't miscount. That's four -- FOUR! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business. And I mean show business. Nikki Finke says the Terminator concept is played. Well, here's what I have to say to Nikki Finke: you are a fine journalist and please don't ever notice me. The Terminator story is as formative and important in our culture -- and my pretend play -- as any I can think of. It's far from over. And before you Terminator-Owners (I have trouble remembering names) rush to cash that sweet cheque, let me give you a taste of what I could do with that franchise:

1) Terminator... of the Rings! Yeah, what if he time-travelled TOO far... back to when there was dragons and wizards? (I think it was the Dark Ages.) Hasta La Vista, Boramir! Cool, huh? "Now you gonna be Gandalf the Red!" RRRRIP! But then he totally helps, because he's a cyborg and he doesn't give a s#&% about the ring -- it has no power over him! And he can carry it AND Frodo AND Sam AND f@%& up some orcs while he's doing it. This stuff just comes to me. I mean it. (I will also offer $10,000 for the Lord of the Rings franchise).

2) More Glau. Hey. There's a reason they're called "Summer" movies.

3) Can you say... musical? Well don't. Even I know that's an awful idea.

4) Christian Bale's John Connor will get a throat lozenge. This will also help his Batwork (ten grand for that franchise too, btw.)

5) More porn. John Connor never told Kyle Reese this, but his main objective in going to the past was to get some. What if there's a lot of future-babies that have to be made? Cue wah-wah pedal guitar -- and dollar signs!

6) The movies will stop getting less cool.

Okay. There's more -- this brain don't quit! (though it has occasionally been fired) -- but I think you get my drift. I really believe the Terminator franchise has only begun to plumb the depths of questioning the human condition during awesome stunts, and I'd like to shepherd it through the next phase. The money is there, but more importantly, the heart is there. But more importantly, money. Think about it. End this bloody bidding war before it begins, and put the Terminator in the hands of someone who watched the first one more than any other movie in college, including "Song of Norway" (no current franchise offer). Sincerely, Joss Whedon.

Personally, I don't see the humor in it. Though obviously tongue-in-cheek, it's also clearly a dig at the Terminator franchise with glaring yet veiled criticism about its quality, something Whedon is not in a position to criticize, especially after saying, "If they had put a gun to my head and told me to choose [between renewing Dollhouse and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles], I would say renew Sarah Connor because I love that show."

I should acknowledge that his sixth point references the quality of the movies, and not the TV series, but no points for guessing what his earlier "this is not available on TV" comment was directed at. His "joking" yet undeniably "insulting" dig is clearly directed at the Terminator franchise owners that produced both Terminator Salvation and 13 episodes of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Back to the movies. Whether you liked Terminator Salvation or not, it's a thoughtless insult to Derek Anderson and Victor Kubicek . Both have been very vocal about their love of Terminator and all Terminator fans have to respect that these guys have been devoted to the franchise and have tried their best. Even if you weren't impressed with Terminator Salvation (and for the record, I still enjoyed it, even if it wasn't as good as it should have been), respect should be given to them for at least trying and, moreso, whilst keeping in mind that these are two Terminator fans who are undergoing a great deal of stress at this moment in time.

In fact, Halcyon has been struggling for a very long time, even during the production of Terminator Salvation, to keep from going bankrupt. One of the reasons cited for why Terminator Salvation had production problems relates to the noose that was being tightened by one of Halcyon's creditors, Pacificor. Halcyon had to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy yet even their filing related to their last ditch attempt to use the legal system to help stave off their creditors long enough for them to raise the capital needed to continue with the Terminator franchise. Without the same financial difficulties who knows how much better Terminator Salvation may have been, or how much better they may have been able to make Terminator 5.

Apparently Joss Whedon thinks he does, and apparently he thinks he can do better.

I, unlike so many who seem to think this letter is funny and who ooze Whedon-drool, don't agree.

Whedon's Dollhouse is terrible and it consistently amazes me to see people claiming it is great television - I'm a die-hard sci-fi fan and I can't even watch the show. I tried, many times. I heard the claims it keeps getting better, so I'd periodically tune in and, nope, it's still a turd. I can't watch the show, and I'm not a critic - I actually try to find ways to enjoy all shows I watch.  But with Dollhouse it is simply unwatchable to me.

Of course, that's my opinion. But one thing that I feel is unarguable (unless you're one of the 'Whedon droolers') is that the quality of Dollhouse in both production and writing is not a touch on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. The only reason Dollhouse scored the green-light above TSCC is because it is cheaper and because Fox exec's openly admit to liking Eliza Dushku. When it was renewed, and Terminator was cancelled, no one claimed the reason was because Dollhouse was better. If you want to defend Dollhouse at this point, you'll be arguing against Whedon who even agrees, as per his quote above.

No, this is not a "they should have renewed TSCC" rant. It is comparitive between two series, one of which is Whedon's and one of which relates to the franchise that Whedon claims he can do better with. Some people might say I can't compare the two as one had a much higher budget than the other, yet take away the production values and you're left with the writing, and TSCC has it all over Dollhouse in that area too.

James Cameron is the man who wrote the first two Terminator's and of course he wrote Aliens. Joss Whedon then came on the scene and wrote Alien Resurrection, which is arguably the worst of the Alien films (excluding the AvP films). Like Dollhouse, Alien Resurrection is a turd.

It is fair to assume that Whedon's criticism of Terminator films going downhill relates to films post the Cameron era, in which case there already exists evidence that Whedon is unable to compare to Cameron when having a shot at writing "post Cameron era" in the same franchise. Thus, even if Whedon was to take over the Terminator franchise, I'm afraid we have no reason to suspect it wouldn't continue to go downhill, and evidence to suggest that it would.

Some people will argue that Whedon's open letter was a joke and was never meant to be taken serious in any way.  In that case, I apologize profusely and suggest that if I myself am out of line, then I retract all of the above comments. In fact, despite the looming prospect of Dollhouse's permanent cancellation, I hereby offer $1 for the rights to Dollhouse to help keep the series going. No, you didn't miscount. That's zero -- ZERO! -- zeroes after that one. That's to show you I mean business.

Tags: Joss Whedon, Terminator, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles